How Great is Our God!

“The splendor of the King, clothed in majesty.

Let all the earth rejoice, all the earth rejoice.

He wraps Himself in light, and darkness tries to hide

and trembles at His voice, and trembles at His voice.

How great is our God! Sing with me, how great is our God

And all will see how great is our God!”

Today we sang this in church and I could not sing it without tears streaming down my face.

My life rolled before as if on a movie reel. I grew up in a loving and supporting family who loved God and has always taught me to love Him before all else. Yet, I have always struggled to love Him. For most of my life I have had to struggle with depression. Despite the loving family I have, I have always felt alone. I have never felt like anyone truly understood me and I have been used and abandoned so many times by people that I have learned not to trust anyone. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old. Most people would probably be jealous of my life because on the outside it looks perfect, but my thoughts were dark.

It was not until I was 18 that my life began to turn around. I started to find joy in life and joy in God. My love for Him began to grow and I was learning to serve Him in all I do. I went to a great christian college and met some really awesome friends and the man I thought I would eventually marry. Yet, it all crumbled. I lost my friends and I lost that wonderful man. I was abandoned once again. I struggled to understand why. Why was God punishing me? What had I done wrong? Yet, I didn’t want to fall back to who I was before so I kept serving God and I kept loving Him.

Then two years ago I met an amazing young man who I believe to be my soul mate. He challenged me in ways that no one ever did before. He began to study me and learn about me. He knew me more intimately than anyone has ever before in my life (not even my family). He knew my inner thoughts and desires, my struggles, my passions. We grew to love each other deeply because through each other our love for God grew more deeply. However, tragedy struck again and God told us we could not be together. He forced us to break up and go separate ways. We couldn’t understand why God was doing this, but we knew we had to obey God because He had to be first in our lives and so we departed – both devastated and brokenhearted. Shortly after that my church went through a devastating split that has taken us over a year to work through. Why do I write all of this down for anyone to see?

Why do I reveal my struggles with God for all to bear witness to? I do it because today in church the love of God was felt. I struggle on a daily basis with loving God and understanding Him. Yet, I know that He is always here with me and that He loves me more than I could ever possibly know. I listened to people giving thanks to God – people who have way more reason to be angry with God than me and I felt God wrap His arms around me and whisper in my ear that it’s ok. He understands and He still loves me. He won’t ever abandon me and He hurts with me. When the pain was so powerful that I couldn’t get out of bed, He was always there holding me tight to Him. 

My God is indeed a great God. He is my love and my life. So today I sing, “how great is our God!”

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